Read my tweets from the past week and see if you can figure out what my week revolved around.

( Read more... )


Yeah. I'm a nerd/fangirl when it comes to Torchwood and Doctor Who. And I probably need a life. Damn you grad school.

In other news, summer school is stressful, my summer has been empty and a little bit lonely, and when August rolls around I'll be getting yet another wisdom tooth taken out, only this time they'll be cutting through bone. Yay.

P.S. I've been wanting to make a meaningful lj post, since I've been thinking a lot about things, but I'm not sure how to word anything to where it makes sense, but it will happen one of these days.

Investigations 
     This class is pretty cool. One of our instructors is Dr. Kim Rossmo, who came up with geographic profiling and is a research professor here at Texas State. We have to do summaries each week on the readings, which is just busy work in my opinion, but at least the class makes up for the dull busy work. We do get to assist San Marcos PD in investigating robberies, which is all kinds of awesome. 

Advanced Crime Theory 
     This class is boring me to tears. That's all you need to know.


   
     Other than school, my summer has been pretty empty. I'm not really looking forward to fall, but at least then I'll be one semester closer to graduation. And then I get to go work or fall off the face of the earth, depending on whether or not I ever figure out what I want to do. I've thought about joining the Peace Corps, but I'm not sure that it's the best thing for me to do. I'm just not really sure what's going to happen after I graduate. I thought I'd be more confident about what comes after graduation this time around, but I'm finding that's not true. Eh. At least I still have some time.

Things to do 
1. Finish 10 page paper on modern structural, systems-based, and institutional schools of management.
2. Study for research methods final.
3. Receive and complete administrative law take-home final.
4. Begin thinking about professional paper topics.
5. Begin compiling potential topics for Current Legal Issues.

Sounds like loads of fun, right?

     Yesterday I had a good cry, the first one I've had this semester. It was caused by many things: a stupid group project, anxiety about my midterm paper grade, the stuff I still need to do, and my presentation on Wednesday, and the fact that somehow it slipped my mind that rent was due on the 3rd and by the time I got to the office, it was closed. The rent part I can deal with; it's only the first time. The group project has been dominating my mind these past few weeks and there has been a lot of trouble caused by certain other members, which I hope has been resolved or at least put on the back burner for the sake of our grades. As for the paper, when am I not worrying about grades?


     No, perhaps the most worrying thought I've had lately is the thought that I'm not where I want to be in life. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything I've wanted, save for graduating from college. I look at what my friends have done or are doing and I feel inadequate. I have no clue what I'm going to do after my Master's, though the line I've been giving everyone is that I hope to get into federal law enforcement. I know I shouldn't feel this way, I know I should feel proud, because I graduated in three years and I'll have a Master's by the age of 23 and everything leading up to these accomplishments has just made them more noteworthy. But, I just can't help feeling that, when compared to everyone else in my life, I fall short of what everyone expected me to do, but I know really shouldn't give so much credence to anyone's expectations.


I just keep telling myself everything will work out in the end, because that's how I got myself through high school and that's how I got through college. I just hate this uncertainty.

Since I'm too lazy to do a real update right now, here's my projected class schedules for the summer and fall.

SUMMER
06/08-07/09, MTWHF, 2-3:40pm
Advanced Abnormal Psychology

06/08-08/12, T, 5:30-10pm
Investigations


FALL
T, 6:30-9:20pm
Advanced Crime Theory

H, 2-4:50pm
Sex Offenders and CJ

H, 6:30-9:20pm
Current Legal Issues


I'm rather pleased, except for the fact that my investigations class is 4.5 hours long, but it should be interesting.

      I went back to my old, old livejournal account from high school and read every entry. It's amazing to see how much has changed since then. It's also kind of sad, because I don't really see or talk to my old friends from high school. I read old AIM conversations and saw that I really did have people who cared about me and how I got through it. I miss those people a lot and wish I could sit down and have long conversations with them, whether in person or on AIM again.

      On a related note, I just want to really thank Josh. I never really realized how much you helped me in high school by just listening and never judging and for that I am forever grateful.

     Wow. It's been about two months since I updated this journal. Nothing much has happened. I finished my first semester of grad school with my sanity barely intact. I actually ended up doing really well for all the worrying and hair-losing I did. It was definitely a confidence booster...until I started my second semester of grad school and then the cycle started all over again. But I've changed some of my habits so maybe it'll be a little less stressful.

Management Theories-It's a lot of dry readings about how to manage people, but some of the reading has actually turned out to be pretty interesting. My professor set up Adobe Connect, so that we can attend class online if we want to, which comes in handy on Wednesdays.

Research Methods- I did not particularly enjoy my undergrad research methods class and I do not care for this one either. Not only are we doing group projects, we also have to write a GROUP PAPER. Really? Group projects are one thing, but group papers? In grad school? I'm in a good group though (I hope) so hopefully it'll turn out well.

Administrative Law- Another dry subject, but it has its high points. The professor also set up Adobe Connect, so now on Wednesday nights I don't have to go into class at all, which is nice.

      It won't be a particularly interesting semester, but I'll get through it. I'm excited for summer school though. They have some pretty cool looking elective classes and I think I'm going to try to take a psychology class.
 
     I've also noticed something. When I had to do presentations in class as an undergrad, I was fine with it. I got nervous, but I did it. However, when I have to make a presentation now, as a grad student, it unhinges me. I get obsessed about getting everything right and at least seeming like I know what I'm talking about. I had a pretty bad presentation experience last semester and my first presentation this semester unnerved me, even though it was only 5 minutes long and over a newspaper article. It's ridiculous. However, I had another presentation on Monday for research methods. I obsessed about it all weekend and holed up in the library all Monday going over it and tweaking the powerpoint. When I got to class, I had that awful feeling in my stomach. But when I got up there, I was fine. I didn't stutter and my voice was actually loud enough for once. It was really great. And some random person even told me that they really liked my presentation, which I found a bit strange because he's never spoken to me even though we've had 3 classes together. But it was good and I hope that confidence lasts.
      I think part of the reason why I get so nervous for presentations and even just for class discussions is that I feel intimidated by everyone else. I feel like such a little kid compared to the rest of the grad students, even though most aren't that much older than me. I guess I also feel really stupid at times, even though I'm not. I don't know why exactly I feel that way, but I hope it passes.

     I have one more final on Monday. It's my stats final, which I'm feeling strangely good about. Then on Tuesday I hop on an Amtrak train back to Dallas for at least a couple of weeks, after which I'll come back to this little town that I dislike so much and begin my second semester of grad school.
     Speaking of grad school, I've been doing a lot of thinking about it. I'm going to go ahead and finish out the school year and then after that, I don't know. I might take a semester off. I might go ahead and trudge along this path to my Master's. I just don't really know, but, knowing me, I'll probably stick it out, no matter how much I hate it, just to avoid that feeling of having let anyone down. Although, that didn't really work out well in high school and I'm pretty sure it wouldn't work well now either.
     I'm worried about my grades, but that's no different from my time at St. Ed's. Incidently, I find myself missing St. Ed's a lot, although I don't know if that's because a lot of my friends are still there and I haven't seen most of them in forever or I just genuinely miss the atmosphere there. I know I miss some of the professors.

     This is a lame update, I know, but there's just not really a whole lot going on right now besides the stresses of grad school. Scratch that, there is a lot going on, but I need to gather my thoughts before writing about them so they don't sound so bizarre.

You search for images using the answers of the questions.

1. The age you will be on your next birthday- 22


2. The place you live- San Marcos, TX


3. Your favorite color- Maroon


4. The place you want to get married- Wherever


5. Your first love- Books


6. Your favorite fruit or vegetable- Apples



7. Your favorite animal- Dogs


8. The last name of your favorite actor or actress- Tennant, David



9. The name of a pet- Paulie


10. Your favorite song (at the moment)- Lucid Dreams, Franz Ferdinand


11. A bad habit of yours- Biting my nails


12. Your middle name- Nicole

So. Barack Obama became the first African-American president of the United States. You know how I first heard the news? Straight from Jon Stewart's mouth right at the end of Indecision '08, which he was co-hosting with Stephen Colbert. I couldn't really believe it until I flipped to CNN, MSNBC, Fox, and the other "real" news programs going on. And then I felt this swell of pride in my country for finally breaking over 200 years of tradition.

And then reality set in. Let me explain. I voted for Obama, because I really believe that he can bring change and he has the ability to unite everyone. HOWEVER, he has a huge job ahead of him. After all his rhetoric and the promises he made, he cannot afford to let anyone down by breaking promises or reverting back to the same old routine of past presidents. I know there will always be someone who doesn't care for him but he has an unbelievable amount of pressure on him now and he just has to live up to the hype that's been created around him. And I won't lie: I'm really scared for him. I know I would probably be curled up in a corner somewhere wondering how to get through the mess ahead. I hope he surrounds himself with intelligent people and that he listens to everyone, even those who disagree with him and, even more so, those who have no confidence in him right now.

But you know what? If his victory speech (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/27546437#27546437) is truly representative of how he plans to run this country, I think we'll be okay. He acknowledges that change won't come overnight and it definitely won't be easy. He knows he has to earn the confidence of those who didn't vote for him. And throughout the whole speech, he's humble. He knows who to thank for getting him to this historic point and he knows that he has an infinitely huge job ahead of him, a job that he cannot do alone.

Most of all though, I'm really happy that I saw history being made.

Comment and I'll give you a letter.
Then you have to list ten things you LOVE that begin with that letter.
Afterward, post this in your journal and give out some letters of your own.

Gernez (teenxriot) gave me the letter S.

1. Slushies: nutritionally deficient but oh so good.
2. Series 4 soundtrack for Doctor Who: nothing like awesome instrumentals to chase the blues away, especially when said blues are caused by David Tennant's departure from said show
3. "Silence in the Library": one of my favorite episodes from Doctor Who and one that will make you look at shadows differently
4. Saved!: a great movie
5. "Something Borrowed": a great Torchwood episode about a wedding gone horribly, horribly wrong
6. Sleeping: especially since it's such a rarity for me to get enough of it these days
7. Sondre Lerche: his first album reminds me so much of high school and he's shown a different musical side on every album since then
8. "Street Spirit (Fade Out)": one of my absolute favorite Radiohead songs ever
9. Sloppy Firsts: One of the best books I read in high school
10. Scary movies: I've found that the Asian and old school psychological horror movies are the ones that will really scare me. After I saw Ringu I slept with a night light for about a week.

So. I went to last Thursday's service and it was pretty cool. I still love the music and they played a more rock version of "How Great Thou Art," which was one of my favorite hymns when I was younger. They also announced a new project they call Jar Wars. Basically, each small Bible study group will be given $20 to invest and the goal is to make at least $150 per group that will go towards mission trips. My group came up with the idea of selling breakfast tacos and also giving plasma, which apparently pays good money. I barely spoke but I had this great idea, which I actually got from April's boyfriend, Doug. Last winter I crocheted a lot of beanies and scarves for my friends and Doug suggested that I should sell them, since people seemed to like them. I emailed Abe, my Bible study leader and the main pastor, and he loved the idea. I also mentioned that I made a lot of mini-stockings and holiday-related things. So, I've dusted off my crochet needles and yarn and have started making stuff. I'd forgotten how soothing and relaxing crocheting can be. That's a good thing, especially given how stressed I've been lately. I'm actually sad I won't be able to go to tomorrow's service, since I'm taking a bus into Dallas to see my mom, but this is a long overdue visit.

I should mention the one thing I didn't like about this service. There were some subtle references to the upcoming election and who we should vote for and why. No names were mentioned, but it kind of ticked me off. I don't really think it's anyone's business to tell me who I should vote for and why, least of all a church. Despite that, it was another good night that I didn't spend cooped up in my room, even if I did miss a Doctor Who re-run.

So, here's the thing: I'm not a particularly religious person. I was raised First Baptist, but I quit going to church regularly after my grandma died when I was 10. I've been to church maybe 2 or 3 times in the past four years. I don't read the Bible regularly and I don't pray very often. Despite this, I still have my own religious beliefs which I've cobbled together from different religions I've read about and I have my own ideas about God.

So, if I'm not a religious person and I think that one doesn't necessarily have to attend a worship service to still believe in God, why on earth did I go to one at the Baptist Student Center on campus? A huge part of the reason why is my lingering feelings of loneliness on campus. I just wanted to find a place to meet new people and make new friends. I also figured I needed to find something to get involved in and there aren't many things for grad students to get involved in. My mom suggested going to the Baptist Student Center, so I went the service yesterday night to see what it was all about. I distinctly remember thinking as I was walking inside that I was opening my rotten, cynical heart to a church that I had stopped believing in over 10 years ago. It was interesting, to say the least. I'm used to a more traditional service, with traditional hymns accompanied by piano and a more often than not boring sermon. The service I attended last night, however, was complete with a band playing original songs and a surprisingly refreshing sermon I could actually relate to. Sure I almost went deaf from the huge speakers in a small room and I was a little freaked out by how...ahem...expressive some people were in singing, but it was a good experience. The pastor, Abe, did his sermon over the book of Ruth. I won't go into the details for fear of boring whoever has made it this far in the entry, but the gist of the sermon was that God has a plan for your life and everything that happens to you in life is for a reason and ties in with His ultimate plan for you. So this got me thinking about my life and all the crap that happened in high school and college. It comforts me a little to think that by going through that depression and frustration I was somehow fulfilling some higher being's plan for me, but then it also makes me wonder why all of it was necessary. Since high school I've held the belief that everything happens for a reason, but I think I started to believe that so I wouldn't have such a rotten outlook on life, but now I do sincerely believe it. I don't know. The whole experience was good, but it also confused me. I kept tearing up during the sermon because I kept thinking about my grandma and how she was the only reason I ever kept going to church. When I was walking back to my apartment I called my mom and all those feelings suddenly bubbled up and I cried. It surprised me how just going to a service made me miss my grandma all over again. You would think after over 10 years I would have made peace with her death and everything that happened afterward.

I'm conflicted over whether or not to go back. Everyone was nice and even though I felt uncomfortable being there alone, it felt nice to be back in a church atmosphere. The pastor made a couple of comments I didn't agree with, but that wasn't anything new. I'm think I'm just worried about actually being able to feel completely comfortable in a church atmosphere again like when I was younger. Plus, my beliefs have changed so much and I'm a little worried about how that will translate back into the Baptist church, because I will absolutely not be apart of a religious faction that conflicts with my own moral beliefs. Maybe I'll just see how this whole thing progresses.

I dropped a class. More specifically, I dropped Dr. Pollock's class. I loved that class, but it was consuming a lot of time that I needed to focus on my other classes. Anyways, I can take it next fall. And I realized that the reason I was so intent on taking 12 hours instead of the minimum of 9 that is needed to maintain full-time status was that I have this obsession with graduating early. Don't ask me where I got this from, although I can make an educated guess.

Anyways, after reading Josh's lj entry, I decided I need to take a look at the things that comfort me the most after a bad day.

1. Talking to my mom
2. Watching episodes of Doctor Who and Torchwood
3. Writing in my journal
4. Daydreaming
5. Reading for pleasure and not for school





Oh, and my review of Administration of Justice goes like this:
1. Teacher seems interesting
2. GROUP PROJECTS

It's unpleasant to find out that group projects seem to be alive and well in grad school.

So. Week 2 of grad school. I've been to all but one of my classes (which doesn't meet until the 8th). Let's run down all the classes I've been to so far, shall we?

MW 5-6:15
Statistics for Criminal Justice

I think I'm actually going to enjoy this class. For one thing, the textbook is Statistics for People Who (Think They) Hate Statistics. The text is easy to read and understand, plus it's a tongue-in-cheek version of a textbook. The professor is Dr. Blair, who has an excellent way of teaching that doesn't bore me to tears, considering the subject matter. We're in the criminal justice computer lab (and how cool is it that the CJ department gets its own lab?) and working with SPSS, which makes me happy since that means I don't have to have a calculator handy for computing since the program does it for me.

M 6:30-9:15
Administration of Justice

Like I said, I haven't been to this class since the semester started on a Wednesday and we had Labor Day off, so a review of this class will come next week.

W 6:30-9:15
History and Philosophy of Justice

The professor, Dr. Williamson, has a million degrees and is a practicing attorney, plus she owns a bar and told us we get a 10% discount if we show our student IDs. We're reading lots of philosophy texts (surprise) and I am known for despising philosophy, so it should be interesting. Yesterday's class was kind of boring, but maybe once we get into the swing of things, it'll get better (fingers crossed.)

TR 5-6:15
Current Legal Issues in Criminal Justice

So far this is my favorite class. It's taught by Dr. Pollock, who, for those of you who took Criminal Law I/II at St. Ed's, co-wrote the textbook for those classes. She's really interesting. I would say she's a cross between Dr. Horton and Turner, in the best way. We're reading case law in this class, which makes me grateful for all the law classes I took at St. Ed's. Reading case law is actually not boring and is interesting and I get excited when I get to a case I already read as an undergrad.


Okay. School stuff over. Now other stuff.
I'm living in an on-campus apartment with one roommate. She's really nice and is a grad student in sociology. I get my own bathroom, which is awesome following the past 3 years of sharing bathrooms. Right now I'm sleeping on an inflatable bed, which is actually comfortable, until my aunt and uncle come at the end of the month with a truck so I can buy a real bed.
I'm also still on a meal plan, even though I've found myself cooking a lot. I definitely like the mean plan here better than the one at St. Ed's because the food doesn't suck and I can use my meal plan at the various restaurants in the food courts.

This campus is huge, but I don't live far from the library and the LBJ center and the other food court and it's a relatively short walk to the CJ building. It's gotten a little lonely since my awesome friends aren't here and the other CJ grad students are mostly Texas State alumni who already know each other from undergrad or working adults who aren't interested in making friends with the younger students, but I've made a few friends. Another St. Ed's alumni, Tasha, is here too and when we saw each other it was a nice surprise. I've also seen my RA from my second year at St. Ed's and we're going to have lunch and hang out soon.

Man. I don't remember the last time that I wrote so much in one LJ entry. I'm just going to chalk it up to my loneliness at the moment and the fact that I'm procrastinating on my notes for Dr. Pollock's class.

I AM NOW A ST. EDWARD'S ALUMNA.

Oh, hell to the yes.

And I just can't stop smiling.

So. Summer school is done. I am officially done with CULF classes and all their uselessness. Actually, my last CULF class, Violence, Dignity, and Cultural Identity, was the most useful one I've taken. We focused on the Iraq war, watched documentaries that weren't mind-numbingly boring, and had some really interesting guest speakers.

But on to more exciting news. I quit my job at Macy's since I'll be in San Marcos without a car, so it makes more sense to just get a job there. I'll actually miss working at Macy's, mostly because of my lovely co-workers, but I definitely won't miss getting dragged to the hell known as the petites' department.
I finally found my dress for graduation at Macy's. It's this pretty shade of raspberry and it's knee-length. I tried on like 20 dresses and it was the only one I really loved. Plus it was on sale and with my employee's discount, it was pretty inexpensive.

I'm only 3 days from graduation. I'm really excited about it. I'm looking forward to grad school, but I'm also a bit scared. I downloaded the syllabus for one of my classes and it's a bit daunting. There's a lot of reading, which is pretty standard and I can totally handle that. There's quite a bit of writing which is also pretty standard, but I'm a little worried about it. I don't even know why I'm worrying about it. I did really well in capstone and, truth be told, I like doing research in criminal justice just because it's so interesting to me. I'm just hoping these fears about grad school are normal and will fade as I really get into it.

But, did I mention how utterly excited I am about graduation? :D

I just got back from Gradfest. I bought my cap and gown, sat for pictures, and decided to get announcements, as useless as I think they are.

I just can't believe graduation is only a month away. I can't believe that I'm finally graduating. And I can't believe how scared I am, even though I'm ecstatic at the same time.

Only a few people know why, but I just never thought I'd make it to my college graduation. And now it's only a month away.

I haven't updated in a while and I know that everyone (by which I mean all 3 people who read this journal, lol) is so interested in my life. I have lots to write, mostly about work and school, but there won't be a real update until later this week.

in the mean time, enjoy the Techno Chicken. I came upon this video randomly and it just made me smile.